Any good jokes?

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Dr Watson

Dr Watson

James
A blind man wanders into a lesbian bar. After loosening up with a few drinks, he yells to the waiter: "Hey, you wanna hear a good blonde joke?"

The bar falls silent. In a deep, husky voice the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, I think it's only fair that you should know five things:

- The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat

- The bouncer is a blonde girl

- I am a 6 foot tall 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate

- The woman sitting next to me is a blonde professional weight lifter.

- The lady to your right is a blonde professional wrestler."

"Now, think about it seriously, do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters:

"No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
 
Vacumatic

Vacumatic

Testy
I was also a comedian in an old folks home, I thought that it was a nice thing to do for all the war veterans, to give them something to look forward to although the Judge let the side down and insisted it was called 100 hours Community Service.

After about 6 months of turning up every Saturday afternoon, I wondered if they actually remembered who I was and why I was there, I asked one old boy,

"Do you know who I am?"

His reply:

"Go ask Matron, she will tell you"
 
Vacumatic

Vacumatic

Testy
This should probably go in Bargain Spotting rather than jokes, Mods, please move if appropriate

Anyone interested in a very special deal.

A mate of mine has 2 tickets to the England v Italy final on Sunday

He bought them months ago on spec for £600 each including hotel and transport, but didn't realise when he bought them that it was on the same day as his wedding!

So he is looking for someone to take his place if you are interested?

It's at 3pm at the Birmingham Registry office. Bride's name is Nicola, 5'6", quite attractive, has her own income and is quite a good cook apparently, ignore it if she looks surprised.
 
Vacumatic

Vacumatic

Testy
Not a head shaver myself and don't know the problems of shaving your head, I asked a friend who is a head shaver but there was a couple of weeks growth to him. I asked him why and he said:

'I have a bump on the back of my head, all because of something I said to my wife, she took a swing at me'

'What did you say?'

'She was having a dig at me because I never think to buy her flowers'. She said, ' two girls in her office had received flowers this morning and they were absolutely gorgeous'.

I said ‘That’s probably why they received flowers!’
 
N0ggie

N0ggie

Forum GOD!
Two mafia men are walking through a dark forest. One says to the other 'I'm scared!'
The other guy says 'You're scared? I've got to walk back alone!'

If you are ever being chased by a police dog try not to go through small tunnels, avoid any seesaws & don't jump through hoops of fire. They are trained for that!
 
Vacumatic

Vacumatic

Testy
I needed to buy some paint. My next door neighbour said that he had been down there the day before there was a huge line of people just waiting to get into the DIY store, they were social distancing and only allowing a limited number of people in at any one time.

I phoned the store, 'could you tell me please, how big is the queue?'

'Same size as the B'.
 
Vacumatic

Vacumatic

Testy
I am going to send the first aid kit back, it is the one that we have at work with bandages and all the kit including instructions.

Yesterday a colleague cut himself, it was quite bad to be honest, I called for an ambulance but thought I should do something whilst I waited, I looked up Cuts in the instruction book. 'Wrap with a bandage and apply pressure;

Ok I thought.

'If you don't stop bleeding I am going to sack you'

Didn't work, the first aid kit goes back.
 
Vacumatic

Vacumatic

Testy
The Geography of a Woman as she ages:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa . Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain having a glorious past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel. Has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business .

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada. Self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages. An adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.


THE Geography of a Man

Between 1 and 100, a man is like North Korea and Russia. Ruled by a pair of nuts!
 
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