Any good jokes?

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Electrif

Electrif

SE la vie
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me!? Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.? Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay."

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.? Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.? Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, ............"We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
 
DamianJ

DamianJ

Forum GOD!
Not necessarily a joke but saw the following message on the matrix signs on the motorway today.

"Freight to the EU may need further papers from 1st November, please check"
 
Missoni

Missoni

Fellow Traveller
DamianJ said:
Not necessarily a joke but saw the following message on the matrix signs on the motorway today.

"Freight to the EU may need further papers from 1st November, please check"
Click to expand...
So here’s the current state of Brexit, as explained to the bemused and befuddled:
“There are a number of parties. One of them wants to take us out, but there are some within that party that didn’t want to take us out, so they were kicked out by the man who just came in. In order to get us out, the man who just came in tried to get himself out, so that he could then get back in, in order to take us out. But he was thwarted by the other parties, who despite wanting him out, kept him in because they fear that if he gets out, he will then get back in and will then take us out. But if they can keep him in long enough, and prevent him from taking us out, they figure that soon after he has failed to take us out, they will be able to get him out and get themselves in. And then after he gets out and they get in, they may try to take us out or they may try to keep us in. It’s anyone’s guess. Then again, it’s entirely possible that if they do get in, they might try to get us out, then campaign against their deal for taking us out to try and keep us in. It really is that simple.”
Click to expand...
 
les24preludes

les24preludes

Forum GOD!
The Wit of Maestro Eugene Ormandy -- compiled by Gary Berkson

Eugene Ormandy, during his many years as Music Director and Principal
Conductor of the Philadelphia Orchestra, was known to blurt out a humorous
remark every now and then. The following is a collection of these
witticisms collected by members of the Philadelphia Orchestra.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Congratulations to each and every one of you for the concert last night
in New York and vice versa.

Who is sitting in that empty chair?

I was trying to help you, so I was beating wrong.

I purposely didn't do anything, and you were all behind.

Even when you are not playing you are holding me back.

Don't ever follow me, because I am difficult.

It is not as difficult as I thought it was, but it is harder than it is.

At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's
clearly marked 80...uh, 69.

Start three bars before something.

Start at B. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

Did you play? It sounded very good.

If you don't have it in your part, leave it out, because there's enough
missing already.

Percussion a little louder. ("We don't have anything.") That's right.
Play it louder.

More basses, because you are so far away.

There are no woodwinds at number 6. ("We're at number 15.") I know. That
is why.

(To a tubist:) Long note? Yes. Make it seem short.

Brass, stay down all summer.

Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush.

I don't want to repeat this a hundred times. When you see crescendo, it
means p.

It's difficult to remember when you haven't played it before.

We can't hear the balance because the soloist is still on the airplane.

Please follow me because I have to follow him, and he isn't here.

Without him here, it is impossible to know how fast he will play it,
approximately.

With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight. He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.

Bizet was a very young man when he wrote this symphony, so play it soft.

Mahler wrote it as the third movement of his Fourth Symphony. I mean the
fourth movement of his First Symphony. We play it third. The trumpet solo
will be played by our solo trumpet player. It's named Blumine, which has
something to do with flowers.

This is a very democratic organization, so let's take a vote. All those
who disagree with me, raise their hands.

It's all very well to have principles, but when it comes to money, you
have to be flexible.

Thank you for your cooperation, and vice versa.

Relax, don't be nervous. My God, it's the Philadelphia Orchestra.
 
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